Bo-Bo Doll

When I was little, my cousin had a bo-bo doll—this big blow up clown that had a heavy base. Every time we hit it, the bo-bo doll would fall back and pop back up. At the age of five, this amused us endlessly as we giggled and smiled as the doll came back up for more abuse from our innocent fists. While this kept my attention and provided a great deal of amusement, by present bo-bo doll style of dating has grown frustrating.

Middle school teacher wanted to see me. I thought I knocked him out of my life when he sent me the awkward text message over the summer. Somehow, even in the midst of him dating the guy he thought was “more of what he was looking for,” he came back up from the floor, managing to text me over Thanksgiving. We only texted back and forth, not meeting up. This, however, was not a significant enough blow to keep him out of my life. After a concert, he met me while I was out with some friends of mine. He came to the back of the bar quickly, smiling as he saw me. Walking right up to me, he interlaced his fingers behind the small of my back and whispered, “I miss you.” He lingered on “miss,” emphasizing it, hanging on its meaning, using it to convey a deep longing. The bo-bo doll came up in full force.

I could have taken him home. I could have let him show me how much he missed me. I could have shown him what I knew he longed for. Instead, I asked him if his boyfriend would approve of him missing me and holding me and kissing my neck. He told me that he answers to no one. He’s a big boy and can do what he wants. He didn’t expect confrontation, and I didn’t expect to push him so much. As much as I wanted some male attention at that point, I let him know that I was too smart and had too much self-respect to be some other man.

The bo-bo doll came back from the floor vengefully. I called him to talk about the night. Was he drunk? Was he seriously trying to flirt with me when he had a man? Asking him why he came on to me went no where. In my mind, if you’re happy with the man you’re with, you don’t go around telling other men that you miss them. Something was missing from his life besides me. His man wasn’t giving him something or made him want something else. Without holding back, I let him know this. I honestly let him know that he was being unfair to his boyfriend. Then he told me that he missed me only as a friend. He was totally happy because his boyfriend “got his crazy.” And even though him and I could have made a great couple, there is nothing that his boyfriend doesn’t give him.

After getting smacked in the face by a bo-bo doll, you get a little dizzy. No one really expects the bo-bo doll to flip the scripts. So there I was, being lectured about how I just need to find someone that will get my crazy. I shouldn’t worry because I just have to believe and have faith, soon I’d find someone. Shocked and stunted, I sat on my bed, mouth agape, as middle school teacher tried to help me understand about faith in love.

We spoke for a little while longer before I told him I had to go. I walked around my apartment in a stupor. Had I really become cynical and bitter? It took me a few days to come to my senses. Of course I am cynical and bitter! How could I let him punk me into thinking that cynical and bitter is not an acceptable attitude for a single man in New York? I mean everyone knows I’m a hopeless romantic, but there’s a layer of salty cynicism that keeps me from writing hearts and names on the agendas of faculty meetings. More importantly, how did I let him steer me off the topic of his arguable infidelity? This is why adults don’t play with bo-bo dolls—all the back and forth just makes grown-ups nauseous.